that is a real tradition!!
1 man almost got killed this year....
1 man almost got killed this year....
Saturday, December 31, 2011
2012!!!!
HAPPY NEW YEAR PEOPLE!!!!!
I WISH YOU ALL A NEW AND GOOD YEAR WHERE WE CAN HAVE MORE FUN THAN WE HAD!!!
BTW: I HOPE WE DON'T DIE THIS YEAR..., AND THE "APOCALYPSE" WILL ONLY BE A THING TO LAUGH ABOUT.
I WISH YOU ALL A NEW AND GOOD YEAR WHERE WE CAN HAVE MORE FUN THAN WE HAD!!!
BTW: I HOPE WE DON'T DIE THIS YEAR..., AND THE "APOCALYPSE" WILL ONLY BE A THING TO LAUGH ABOUT.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Funny quotes 2
1. Marriage is the transference of misery from the woman to the man.
2. Drunk people run stop signs. High people wait for them to turn green.
3. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach his wife to fish and he can spend several hours on the couch watching football.
4. I was fired from my job as a lifeguard yesterday. Turns out when swimmers are waving they're not necessarily being friendly.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Friday, November 4, 2011
Facebook jokes
Q: Why is Facebook like Jail?
A: You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don't really know!
Q: Why is a survey, proving Facebook users have lower grades than non-users pointless?
A: Because Facebook users tell everyone how stupid they are with their status updates on a daily basis!
Q: What happened when Dick Cheney tried to reach a younger demographic?
A: He shot Facebook in the face, while hunting for Twitter.
Q: When FaceBook, MySpace and Twitter merge into one super social networking company what will it be called?
A: They will call it "My Twit Face."
Q: What happened after Miss New Jersey, Amy Polumbo, lost her crown due to racy pics being leaked from her Facebook Account?
A: Amy Polumbo received a million friend requests!
A: You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don't really know!
Q: Why is a survey, proving Facebook users have lower grades than non-users pointless?
A: Because Facebook users tell everyone how stupid they are with their status updates on a daily basis!
Q: What happened when Dick Cheney tried to reach a younger demographic?
A: He shot Facebook in the face, while hunting for Twitter.
Q: When FaceBook, MySpace and Twitter merge into one super social networking company what will it be called?
A: They will call it "My Twit Face."
Q: What happened after Miss New Jersey, Amy Polumbo, lost her crown due to racy pics being leaked from her Facebook Account?
A: Amy Polumbo received a million friend requests!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
Fly joke!
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax---OH MY...!"
Then silence.
Soon, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee and she spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Then silence.
Soon, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee and she spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
Chuck Norris-2-
Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times
China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
This is the best!
Two guys wanted to go for a drink, but only had a dollar. One of them looked to a simply stands with hot dogs nearby and suddenly it comes to inspiration. They spent the dollar on hot dogs. Throw the bun and the sausage sticks in his pants.
- We go into a bar, order two beers and drink them. When the bartender ask us for money, I'll bring the sausage on the slit. You will fall in the knees and start sucking it. The bartender will be so disgusted that we will get us out off the bar.
They go in a bar and the trick works like magic After the seventh bar, when both were well drunk, one of them starts to cry:
- I started to make bruises every time I fell on my knees!
Friend replied:
- You say you have problems? I lost the sausage four bars now!
- We go into a bar, order two beers and drink them. When the bartender ask us for money, I'll bring the sausage on the slit. You will fall in the knees and start sucking it. The bartender will be so disgusted that we will get us out off the bar.
They go in a bar and the trick works like magic After the seventh bar, when both were well drunk, one of them starts to cry:
- I started to make bruises every time I fell on my knees!
Friend replied:
- You say you have problems? I lost the sausage four bars now!
Friday, August 5, 2011
Pregnant appetite:)!
A pregnant wife wakes up at midnight:
- Husband, I have big appetite for snails!
Man goes to the park, find some snails that he puts in his pocket and on the way home he met a former girlfriend that invites him to her house. The man accepted, spent the night at her and realizes he forgot about his wife.
Got home, remove all the snails from the pocket and places them in front of the door.
- Where were you, you bastard?
- Come on, guys, come on, we're almost there...
- Husband, I have big appetite for snails!
Man goes to the park, find some snails that he puts in his pocket and on the way home he met a former girlfriend that invites him to her house. The man accepted, spent the night at her and realizes he forgot about his wife.
Got home, remove all the snails from the pocket and places them in front of the door.
- Where were you, you bastard?
- Come on, guys, come on, we're almost there...
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Facebook knows no age:)
Grandmother was dying, she called her grandson at bedside and said:
- Grandson, I want you to inherit my wealth. Villa, farm, stud horse, tractor and allpets plus those 22 million will all be yours
- Wowww! exclaimed the nephew. Thanks Grandma, I did not know of such afortune. Where is the farm you talk?
Grandma responds, giving his last breath:
- On Facebook ....
- Grandson, I want you to inherit my wealth. Villa, farm, stud horse, tractor and allpets plus those 22 million will all be yours
- Wowww! exclaimed the nephew. Thanks Grandma, I did not know of such afortune. Where is the farm you talk?
Grandma responds, giving his last breath:
- On Facebook ....
Policemen joke:)
Two policemen find three grenades into a pit.
1: What do we do with them?
2:-We take them to the police.
1:-And if one explodes on the road?
2:-We say that we found only two
1: What do we do with them?
2:-We take them to the police.
1:-And if one explodes on the road?
2:-We say that we found only two
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Life within a couple.
- I finally reached a deal with my wife. One day I go shopping, one day her.
- And are you satisfied?
- Of course! We drink a day, a day We eat.
- And are you satisfied?
- Of course! We drink a day, a day We eat.
Everybody is happy
a Muslim, a Christian and a Jew found a suitcase full of money and are not sure how to share them:
-Muslim says: "I say we draw a line, throw the money up and drops on the line are for God and the rest divides us."
-Christian "is not good, better make a circle, which fall outside divides between us and what is inside the circle is for God."
-Jew "is not good either way, better throw the money up, God takes as he wants and the rest is ours"
-Muslim says: "I say we draw a line, throw the money up and drops on the line are for God and the rest divides us."
-Christian "is not good, better make a circle, which fall outside divides between us and what is inside the circle is for God."
-Jew "is not good either way, better throw the money up, God takes as he wants and the rest is ours"
Arab joke
-Name?
-AbdAlRazhd
-Sex?
-Three to five times a week.
-No, no, I mean male or female.
-Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
-Holy cow!
-Yes, cow, dog, even sheep.
-But isn' t that hostile?
-Horse style, doggy style, any style!
-Oh dear!
-No, no, deer run to fast!
-AbdAlRazhd
-Sex?
-Three to five times a week.
-No, no, I mean male or female.
-Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
-Holy cow!
-Yes, cow, dog, even sheep.
-But isn' t that hostile?
-Horse style, doggy style, any style!
-Oh dear!
-No, no, deer run to fast!
Kids Joke:)
Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
A. "Is that you mommy?"
Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A. They don't have the guts.
Q. What has 4 wheels and flies?
A. A Garbage truck
Friday, July 29, 2011
101 ways to annoy people
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
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